The main reason why I realised that I can’t keep being a weak and hidden little girl was that my Grandfather passed away a month before my 18th birthday when he was 72 years old. I remember the day like it was yesterday.
My grandfather was born to a farm hand on June 21st 1939 in the North of Yorkshire. He married my nan and had two children.
He taught me all about history and he made me love it, which is one of the reason why I hate it at the moment. He showed me how to appreciate things and how to hate certain sports because it was always on at his house. I cannot stomach tennis anymore, thank you Granddad.
My grandfather was always the voice of reason and he kept my mother from going off the deep end. I was his favorite and he made that very clear from the moment I walked at 9 months into his arms. He said that I was his bestest girl and that he was proud of me because I am smart, he always told me that and it was his dream to see one of his grandchildren get into university, so when I got into 3 universities, he was so proud of me.
My was a tall man, at 6 foot 7 and he was a funny one. He loved the old comedians and cartoons. He loved the meerkat off of the compare the market adverts and he loved Animal from muppets. I still cannot watch the Muppets movie as that was the last movie I went to go and see with him, maybe in time I will, but not now.
I used to love sitting on my grandfather’s chair and hugging him. He would squeeze me every once in a while to remind me that he was still there and I would smile at him, give him a kiss, tell him I loved him and go back to watching the TV with him.
My grandfather had diabetes and two heart value transplants. He was terrible with his diabetes and that is what killed him in the end. IF YOU HAVE DIABETES PLEASE DON’T FUCK AROUND WITH IT! WATCH IT AND BE CAREFUL OF IT BECAUSE IT TOOK THE MOST SPECIAL MAN IN MY LIFE FROM ME.
My grandfather went into the hospital a week before his death and that’s when I became strong because I have two special needs sisters and I couldn’t let them know till my mother told me to bring them to her. I went to my granddad’s bed side and when he saw me, his eyes lit up and he took my hand. He was hooked up to all these machines and they scared me, but I didn’t let him see how scared I was. I wanted to be strong for him.
I told him that I loved him and that he couldn’t leave me because he promised me that he would be at my graduation in 2015, but he told me that he would be there in spirit if not in body and that’s when I knew that he was giving up. He was tired and too ill.
My grandfather was in too much pain and he was heavily sedated on Monday. He was lucid enough the day before he died to say hi to me and smile before he was given more of a dosage.
On Friday 24th February 2012 at 9:30am, I was at school and I was going to see my friend after school before going to see him, I’d promised him and when I went downstairs, my mother was in the reception of my school. My parents never pick me up! EVER and I knew something was wrong. She told me that she was sorry and I knew that that was it, he was gone. All I kept saying was that I’d promised him and that I couldn’t believe it.
My Grandfather laughed at everything and he was a strong man, so I am strong for him. I wear his ring all the time, I haven’t taken it off since his death to remind myself that I am strong enough and that I can do what he wanted me to – go to university and be whatever I want to, but I keep being strong for him.