50 weeks already?

I get told that I am acting like a right bitch and that’s from my own mother, but I know she says it with the utmost love because she knows that that is not me being me, that it me being sad or mad or annoyed and she knows that something if getting to me.

When she asked me what was getting to me no answer came to mind and that was a new one for me, normally I know what is up with me and normally I know what is getting to me, but today I didn’t.

My mind is rational and logical, it is built like a computer and I have to rationalise and understand why I am feeling a certain way, so that was when I decided to do a little investigating. I wanted to know why I was being this way; I wanted to know why I was upset and why I didn’t feel like myself. I couldn’t put a finger on one emotion, but I did know that I wasn’t being myself because I was lashing out at people over the smallest things.

Then I remembered the date – 10/02/2013 and that it was around this time last year that I took my grandfather to see The Muppets Movie in cinemas and it was the last film he ever saw. So after more digging and looking around, I found out that today last year, The Muppets Movie came out, which meant that tomorrow, a year ago, I took my grandfather to go and see it.

Has a year really gone that fast? In 2 weeks’ time from today, it will have been a year since my grandfather’s death. 50 weeks I have been without my grandfather and I have no idea how I have survived this far. In 2 weeks’ time, I will relive the memories of that day.

24^th February 2012
I woke up and got ready for my early morning classes. After that first class, I went to my common room and sat on the desks that were connected to the wall with my friends. We were chatting about a friend’s birthday party and then my phone goes off to signal a text from my mother.

“What time do you finish school today?” The text read. My mother never asks me that unless it is important, so I worried. My heart raced and I looked concerned as I texted back.

“2:30, why?” When I didn’t immediately hear a response I called my mother and asked her what was up. She said nothing and just wanted to know what time I would be home, but that was when I said: “I promised Granddad that I would go and see him.”

I got on with my day as normal and I thought nothing of it. I IM’d my friend to say that I would hand her the book that I had that she wanted to read at the station on my way to Charing Cross hospital. I was smiling with my friends and saying that I’d see them on Monday. I said that I was going to see my friend and then my grandfather.

I went downstairs to the reception to sign out and that was when my whole world stopped. Standing there, by a statue was my mother with red rimmed eyes and my whole heart felt dead. I went over to her and when she said two words, my world was gone. “I’m sorry.” Tears came to my eyes and she hugged me to her. She told me that he passed away at half 9 in the morning, the time that my mother text me and that he went in peace. My father came over to me and hugged me too while I signed out and got into my car. My mother got into the back with me and cuddled me to her.

“I promised him, I promised him that I would go and see him.” I mumbled to myself and my mother as she hugged me.

“Here, he’d want you to have this.” She said to me as she pulled my grandfather’s pinkie ring off her hand and placed it on my right ring finger where it fit. “Don’t take it off.”

We went to get my sisters and told them before going to my granddad’s house, where his wife was.
Those two words: “I’m Sorry” from my mother will always live on in my head and that was all I needed to be told that he was gone, but all that rang on in my head was that I had promised him that I would go and see him the next day after I’d seen him on Thursday. The last thing he ever said to me (non-drugged up) was that he loved me and that I will always be his bestest girl, but the last thing that he said to me (drugged up) was hi.

50 weeks…how could it be 50 weeks already?

My brain is trying to get me to remember what happened a year ago, but my emotions can’t take it…I don’t want to remember that he’s been gone for that long.

I miss him so much and I always will.

I know it hurt you

It hurt me too,

But now that you’re gone

All I know is I miss you

 

You were there for so long,

I never thought you would leave.

I though you had another year

Waiting up your sleeve.

 

The day that you left

Was the saddest of my life.

I remember sitting at home

And crying all day and night.

 

I might be selfish

But I wish you were here.

Or if you stayed

For one more year.

 

I know you loved me

And I still love you too.

So I’m trying to be strong

Just for you.

 

I know I’m not perfect.

I know I’ll never be.

I just hope you’re up there

And that you’re proud of me.

 

You had to let go

Even though you were holding on for so long

But there’s not a day I don’t think of you,

And how you were so strong.

 

I just want to tell you

That you’re always in my heart.

Even though I still cry

I know we’re not apart.

Thinking of you, Grandpa…

 

 

We know you can no longer stay with us,

you fought long and hard to be with us.

We know you now watch over and protect us,

Although we cannot hear your voice or see your smiling face,

We know deep down in our hearts that you have not left us.

Instead everyday you surround us with the singing of the birds,

the rising of the sun and the falling of night.

So many broken hearts are left behind,

But in our deepest despair our greatest comfort lies knowing

that you are now at peace with the angels and God.

So as times passes our tears will dry,

our hearts will mend

but our love for you will never end.

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