You have no idea what you are asking of me

When I got back from my doctor’s appointment where I asked for another 2 months worth of my antidepressants…my mother then decides at that moment to tell me that as soon as that load is done, I need to come down off of them. Talk about smacking you into a brick wall.

I know I said to her that I would come off of them after my birthday, but she has no idea how scared I am. I don’t know what I am going to be like once I stop taking the medication. I mean, I remember what I was like before and I hated her (yes I am talking about my old self in the third person). She was horrible and she was mean. She was an ulter bitch and she was so horrible. She would moan and bitch about every little thing and she was scared. She was self conscious and worried about how people saw her. She didn’t have the self confidence and the strength that I have now and I don’t want her back.

My mother says that the only way to see is to come off of them and if I am bad then I go back on them. I agree it is the logical thing to do, but my emotions are actually taking hold of me this time. I have a logical and rational mind that is older than my body, but when it comes to my mental state my emotions take over and I admit, I am scared.

I am actually so scared that I will not be the same off of the antidepressants that all the hard work I have done will all be for nothing. All the self-confidence and all the online writing. All the blogging and the websites designing. All the friendship making and the smile faking will all have been a waste of time as soon as she comes back.

She’s angry and she’s hurt, but I keep her away, but when she’s let free, who knows what could happen. I know it sounds like another one of my stories, but I so feel like she is this whole other part of me, just the meaner side.


I guess all I can do is see how strong I am with her in the mix…I’ll have to keep being strong.


About oddchildout

18 and at University. Good with computers, well I have to be when I work with them and getting a degree in them, I guess. I live at home with my parents and two sisters. Not much really, but I am the Oddchildout.
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