This is the first christmas where I feel I have lost the christmas spirit. It may be for a number of reasons. The main two that I can think of are that:
- My granddad is gone and so I am spending christmas at home this year, not with him or my nan
- Due to my mother being ill with the Norovirus, I have had to become mother to my younger sister and so I have had to wrap ALL the presents…including my own.
I was warned when I was younger that as I grew older that I would lose the christmas spirit, but I never thought it would be this fast. Even putting up the decorations this year, which always falls to me, didn’t excite me like it used to. I used to get into a real excitable state when I put them up because I knew that I was 13 days away from christmas and from the traditions that have been done for the last 17 years of my life, but now? I don’t know where it has gone.
It reminds me of that song in that Grinch movie:
I guess I just miss my grandfather because I would look forward to going over to his and giving him his gifts to open. I would love to see the look on his face when we got him a book that he hadn’t read and I loved sitting by his side, telling him about the things I’d been given. We’d talk about what we could watch that day, but we ALWAYS had to watch Dr Who and I’d set the table with his guidance. I’d stand by his side while he cut the meat and nick bits of it here and there, but we’d end up doing it together in the end. We’d joke about how we’ll have to wear the paper hats again and that nan cooks enough for an army. We’d be sarcastic and we’d make fun, but playfully and now? Now I don’t have that. Now I won’t ever be able to see him smile at his gifts again. I won’t be able to sit by his side to talk to him. I won’t be able to watch TV with him or set the table with his guidance. I won’t be cutting the meat with him or making sarcastic jokes with him because…because he’s gone.
So not only is my christmas spirit diminished or even gone, I have also had to play ‘mummy’ all this week, which is why I have been away for so long. My mother came down with that Norovirus and it wasn’t a 3 day thing. It was 6 days and 2 hospital visits. So I had to take my sisters to school, make their lunches and then I would have to sort the presents, wrap them and make sure that my mother had enough medicine, food and water. I then had to buy the last of the presents, wrap them and do the washing, cooking and washing up on alternative days. I got sleep when I could. It made me realise that as much as I love and want children, I don’t right now because I can admit that I am way too selfish to take care of another human being.
So I have been to the hospital 4 times in the last month and twice was for me. It is safe to say that I have seen the inside of a hospital enough times to last me a lifetime or at least a decade. That’s one of the main reasons that I haven’t been blogging for a long time.
Another is that it was coming to the end of Semester and I was focused on my end of semester test, which was really hard.
A good thing that has happened to me though is that I have actually plucked up the courage to enter into a novel competition and although I won’t hear till my birthday, it is still a milestone for me because 4 years ago I would have been a nauseous wreck at even the thought of this competition, but I am just glad I had the courage to enter.
So with christmas coming up, remember the old traditions and keeping doing them because you don’t know how long you’re going to have before they are taken away. Remember the people who you have lost and remember that they still love you.
I will always remember my Nonna and my grandfather. I’m sure you all have people you miss. That’s the curse of christmas, I guess. It is meant to be such a joyful time, but you can’t help but remember the people who aren’t there.
Happy Christmas everyone.
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