Dear Grandad…I’m better

Dear Grandad,

I am so much better and I have never felt more calm with myself. I have never felt more like myself. I am calmer and I am a lot different.
Before I was always so angry…at everyone, at anyone and some days, yes, I am still like that, but instead I do not let the anger fester. Instead, I let it go.
Before I was fighting with myself to not lash out and now, I don’t want to. I don’t see the point in getting angry anymore.
Before I would never really smile unless I was with you or with friends, but now I smile and giggle more, which mum and dad enjoys.
Before I would be completely stressed out by university, school work and now my job, but I am actually not freaking out every minute. I am calmer.

I’m sick grandad, I have a cold and I wish you were here so I could go over to see you. You would tell me to have some home made soup and sleep on the couch like I normally did. I would sleep there till nan got home and then I’d go home as it was late. I miss your hugs and I could really use one now. I could really use you telling me that I am doing great at school and that everything is going to be ok. I wish you could tell me just one more time that you are proud of me. How different life would be if you were still here.

If you were still here then:
My university fees would be taken care of.
Mum wouldn’t be in therapy.
Mum and dad would not have money issues.
I would not need to get a job.
Mum and nan would be talking.
Everything would go on like normal and nothing would be out of the ordinary.

Mum showed me a video that she said made her feel connected to you:

She then broke down in my arms and started crying. She sometimes need that to just make herself feel better, but I have my own song for you.

Mum and I wanted these songs to be played at your funeral, but my answer to mum’s question about why they weren’t played is that nan was being a controlling bitch. I wish I could go back and change things.

I want to be better and I like the fact that I feel like I am better, but there are times when we talk about you or listen to these songs and then we just break down. We miss you, so much.
I miss you, I love you and I will see you some day.
Love your granddaughter

 

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About oddchildout

18 and at University. Good with computers, well I have to be when I work with them and getting a degree in them, I guess. I live at home with my parents and two sisters. Not much really, but I am the Oddchildout.
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