With everything that I have been through this year and throughout my life, I will be able to give my future children this little thing, there is always a silver lining.
To my future children,
I know that I am about 10 years away from having you guys, but I will do everything to make sure that you are healthy. I will try to make sure that you don’t have any of the family illnesses such as your great granddad’s weak heart or your grandma’s diabetes or your mama’s depression. I will try to make sure that you are mentally fit and nothing like your aunt Emma with her Autism or like me and my dyspraxia, but if you are like your great granddad or your grandma or your aunt or me then you will be fine because we are strong people in this family and we don’t give in.
I will make sure that I give you guys everything that your grandparents gave me. I will give you unconditional love and I will make sure that you have a good home, a happy life and that you are safe.
I was listening to a song and the lyrics really spoke to me because trust me when I say that I wanted to grow up so fast and be a big girl, but now that I am one…I wish I could be 10 again or even younger. I know how it feels to want more responsibility and want to be older but please don’t grow up too fast. I want you to enjoy everything and especially enjoy your time with your grandfather because you don’t know how long he’ll be there before he’ll be gone.
And when it comes to your grandmother, yes she is always that crazy and funny, but she’s yours and she’ll always make you laugh, but she is very strict. Enjoy your time with her, but don’t let her teach you bad habits because she will, just to annoy me.
Your aunts…well all I can say is that they are nuts and yes they have not changed in years. Don’t be fooled by the cuteness and niceness of your aunt Hayley, she won’t be around you when you cry as a baby, she can’t take the noise and she is a terror underneath all of that, trust me, but that is siblings for you, something you will hopefully know. And your aunt Emma, well she will hate it when you make a mess and she will quickly pass you over to your grandparents or me.
Now if your great grandmother is still alive when you are born, then I am sorry, but you won’t meet her because I will do everything in my power to keep you safe and away from all the family drama and that includes moving to America to get away from family problems to start over. She is not a nice lady. She loves money more than her family and I will not have you subjected to such a vindictive woman who does not deserve to meet my future beautiful children who will be like their mother and grandmother. Smart.
I hope you end up like your grandmother and me and not like my biological father. I will tell you guys about him and I will tell you what I know about him. I don’t want you to be like him. I don’t want you to have my temper either. I don’t want you to have my anger or my inability to dealing with stress. I want you to be strong like your grandmother. I want you to be healthy and smart and to follow your own path like I did. Your grandmother always told me that I shouldn’t have children, but I have always wanted to have you guys and I will have you when I am in my mid 20s.
I will tell you about all the tough things that I have been through and that no matter what I went through I always found a silver lining to everything and that is what I want you to do. I want you to listen to me when I say that life will fly by, so enjoy it and that planning for the future doesn’t really happen, but that an end goal is always good. I want you to listen to me when I say that I know what you are going through because I have been through it myself and listen to me when I say that no matter what you do or say, I will love you from the moment that stick tells me I’m pregnant to the day the last breath leaves my body. I will always be your mum and I will always love you.
I will be here for your when a boy/girl breaks your heart. I will be here when you have your first kiss, your first date, your first dance, your first relationship and I’ll try and make your birthdays as enjoyable as the last. I will try to bake your cakes and if that goes bad then I’ll get your grandmother to do it.
I will be there to see you get married and have children of your own, but please don’t grow up too fast because I want to enjoy every moment that I get to have with you. The good, the bad and the ugly. I want to enjoy being your mother and teach you all the things that I have been taught, but I will also teach you new things.
I want to show you who I was and what I went through. I will never lie to you. I will tell you that I took antidepressants. I will tell you that I went through therapy. I will tell you that I was a rebellious and angry teenager. I will tell you that I was obnoxious and mouthy. I will tell you that I have a temper and I will tell you my crushes when I was your age. I will tell you of past loves and of my relationship with your father. I will tell you stories that I was told and I will try to make sure that I am there to tuck you in and kiss you goodnight. I will be such a mushy mother that it will make your teeth ache.
I will tell you stories of your great grandfather and the many stories that he told me. I will tell you about your grandfather’s mother, your bisnonna (Great grandmother) and what wonderful people they were. I will tell you to call my mother (your grandmother) nona and she will love you for it.
I will tell you anything you want to know. I want you to enjoy your childhood. I want you to enjoy the times that we have. I want to protect you from all the bad things and I want to protect you from ever ending up like I am right now. I want you to be stronger and I want you to be healthy. I want your heart beat to be so strong that they think I’m carrying twins. I want you to be happy, but I’ll be happy as long as you have 10 finger and 10 toes and that you are healthy the moment you are born.
Life is hard, but as your mother I will make sure that there are things in place to make sure that you don’t get hurt and that it is a little easier. I will give you responsibility when you want it and I will tell you when you are wrong. I will teach you, nurture you and I will protect you from the evils of this world.
Don’t feel like you have to live up to who I was because that girl was trying to live in her mother’s footsteps too and she had to realise that she had to be herself. So be yourself. Don’t be me and impress me, shock me, make me laugh, make me cry, make me crazy and make me proud. Let me be your mama.
I hope you see you sooner rather than later. I love you I miei piccoli bambini
I leave you with this song.