It seems that this is the only way that I know how to express how I truly feel anymore. I’m not as strong as I used to be granddad, but it is so hard for me to admit that. I hate to admit that I am weak, but as mum just told me, I am not myself. I am not the girl I was ago. I miss that happy 17-year-old who was looking forward to university. I don’t want to be this gibbering emotional wreck on an 18-year-old who hides all her fears, insecurities, pain and things that are wrong with her behind a wall of fake smiles and the words ‘I’m fine’.
I can’t take anything bad happening without getting angry, crying and then hiding in myself by pushing everyone else away, not caring and not talking. That was never me, I got angry, yes, but I never just broke down and shut everyone away. I never just let it all go and thought ‘I want the world to leave me alone’.
Mum said that my mind is completely fucked up and that it hasn’t recovered from everything that has happened, starting 7 months ago. She said that I keep trying to make myself and other people believe that I am ok by putting a temporary “plaster” over my wounds to get by without actually addressing the real problem. I’m screwed up granddad and I’m not the only one.
I would give anything for a few more moments with you where I could tell you this in person and you could tell me that I am going to be ok because now I am using your mantra of ‘I’m fine’, but I’m not fine, I know I’m not, but it is so hard to admit that to my family. But I should and I should vent, I should let it out.
When people yelled at me, I used to get angry and yell back, but now, I crawl inside myself and cry because I am not Melissa anymore. I am not the crying 18-year-old who puts on a fake smile and tells everyone that she is just fine, but I don’t want to keep acting this way, I do want to get better and the first thing I have to do is to start being myself again. I need to face things head on and be my loud, stubborn self again not this gibbering, crying wreck in the corner because that is not what you wanted from me.
It is so hard to talk about you to anyone. When I do, I start twirling your ring on my finger and blink back tears. I run from things that make me sad, I admit that and I put on a fake smile to hide my open, un-healing and bleeding wounds that keep getting slashed at. I think if my wounds were real then I’m pretty sure they would kill me. We don’t talk about the fact you are gone all that much and it helps to keep the “plasters” on the wounds, but they keep breaking open granddad and someone is always slashing at me.
Mum doesn’t want me to become a gibbering wreck in the corner and she knows I need help, but I can’t bring myself to do it. I was PUT into therapy and I was PUT on antidepressants. The wall that I put up so that whatever people said or did didn’t affect me crumbled and kept on crumbling to the point that my mind now hides inside itself to deal with the hits that it keeps on taking. I can understand why it does that, it is trying to protect me and keep me from crying anymore, but it is hard to come out of it once I am in it.
You were always the man I talked to when I had a problem granddad and now I have no one. I’m all alone and I’m scared. I’m scared I’m going to totally fuck up at university and I’m scared of being this way for the rest of my life. I can’t talk to anyone about how I feel without crying and that is why I hide away because I don’t want people to see me cry, but I am sitting here and all I am doing is crying because I miss you so much and I want to be that happy, care free, some what sane 17-year-old girl who wasn’t about to have the worst year of her life. 2012 sucks for me.
My heart hurts, it literally hurts and I want to curl up into bed and never come out, but I can’t because you wanted me to go to university. You wanted me to get in and now I am here, but I am so scared. I don’t want to go through this without you, but I have to and that scares me to death.
I’m tired granddad, this year has really drained me and I admit that if I can’t even think about you without crying, then I am not ok and I only have a patch over my wounds, but it won’t last forever and I am cracking.
I want to get better and if I can at least admit that to myself then I am taking a step in the right direction, right? I just want this year to be over. I want something to look forward to, but honestly, I have nothing. I thought that by now I would be excited about Nickleback in a week and a half but I just don’t now and they are my favourite band.
I miss you so much granddad and I wish I could have just 5 more minutes with you. I wish that I had been told that you were gone at 9:30 in the morning and I wish that I could have been there to kiss your forehead, tell you I loved you and that it was ok to go. I wish I could have been there to hold your hand. I never thought I’d miss the ticking of your heart valves, but I do and I miss your hugs. I miss sports or the history channel or some old movie being on at your house. I miss you telling me how proud you are of me and that I am your best-est girl. I miss how tall you were and how you towered over me. I miss your sarcastic remarks and you always asking what we were up to, to which we replied ‘nothing’. I miss sitting on the arm of your armchair, with your arm around my waist while we watched TV together and still to this day, I can’t watch the muppets. I miss telling you that you need a shave and I just miss you.
I keep being strong and just continuing each day is me being strong.
I love you and I hope you are in a better place like they say.
Love your still standing granddaughter