I know that this is a letter that you’ll never get, but I am praying that you will see it and writing to you always did make me feel better.
I don’t know what to do anymore granddad and I try to keep strong for you, but there’s keeping strong and then there is taking one hit after another. How much more can the universe swing at my tiny 18-year-old body? I don’t know how much more I can take Granddad. You always told me that you were proud of me no matter what I did, but would you be proud of me if I completely turned my back on that wife of yours? and just saying wife is putting it nicely. I mean, she’s really pushing it granddad and she’s really pushing me to breaking point. First there were breaking your wishes, screwing with your funeral and then my future. Now it is that bloody cruise that she has decided to go on and yet she has no money…well that is a load of crap! Excuse my language granddad, but she tells me that she has no money to help to pay for my education and yet she has money to indulge on herself?
I don’t know how I have survived up to this point granddad, I really don’t and I try to tell everyone that I am fine and that I don’t need/want help, but truth be told granddad, I want your help. I know if you were still alive you would not care if she went away, but you would care about my education, you always have. It scares me how much things have changed so fast granddad and I wish things could go back to “normal”. “Normal” being when I was oblivious to the traitorous lies she spread and the spiteful woman that she really was. I honestly don’t know how you survived her for all those years, it has been almost 7 months since you died and I hate her.
I’m sorry granddad, I know that is bad to say, but I do. She has taken everything from me. She’s taken you, the house, my tuition, my love, my trust and now she just keeps on making me hate her more. I am sad to say that I don’t trust a lot anymore, I defiantly don’t trust family very much (Except my parents and sisters) and I know that sounds bad, but I just can’t. They are meant to love you the most and yet, they stab you in the back at a single whiff of their true desires. In her case it is money and power, but I cannot yield to her granddad. I never could.
Mum tells me that I am lying to her when I tell her that I am fine and that I should know that I can’t “bullshit her” as she said, but how do I tell her that I can’t trust my own family anymore? How do I tell her that the woman I once called “nan” has upset me to the point that I care for nothing anymore? She tells me not to let her hurt me, but that is way past done and she’s been hurting me for a while now, but it really kicked off once you died.
One more moment, is it so much to ask for? I just want one more lucid moment with you where you can tell me that you love me, that you are proud of me and that what I am doing is right because I feel like I am cracking here granddad. Why did you give up on me? Why did you have to go? Why didn’t you watch your diabetes? WHY?
It’s her birthday tomorrow (or should I say today as I am writing this at midnight) and I was going to see her, was being the word there, but now that I have found out about this, that she is lying to me AGAIN, no, no I can’t see her. I won’t because if I did I would go for her and I would let out all the hurt, the anger and the pain that she has caused me. Maybe I should tell her how I really feel, you know, let it all out there and then never see her again, but why give her the satisfaction? I don’t know, I just know that I can’t see her, I won’t. I will not play “happy families” because we are not happy and we never will be. In truth we haven’t been since you left, but this is not your fault granddad because keeping you here would not have been fair. It is the way that she is and I should have seen it earlier.
I never wanted to be weak granddad, I wanted to keep strong, for you, but she keeps tearing me down. She keeps hurting me so much and I don’t care about her anymore. They can all prance around her and fall at her feet for her money, but I won’t. I will not bow down to her and I will not fall to her feet. I will fight against her and I will make people see the true light about who she is, but then am I just wasting my time and energy with that? Should I just drop it all and try to heal? Then again, I always was the sneaky and vengeful type. NO, I need to heal and I will…soon I hope.
I love you Granddad and I miss you, everyday I miss you and things like this, they don’t make it any easier for me to heal or get better. You were always the one person I could really open up to and I don’t know what to do from here on. Mum tells me to focus on my degree and my future, but I don’t see a future for myself anymore. I don’t look to the future anymore, but I will try to stay strong so that I can hold your memory alive.
Stay with me always, please. You may not be here, but you’re still here and so please, don’t ever leave me because you keep me strong. I am sorry granddad, but I don’t love her anymore. I don’t care for her.
I’ll see you one day, Granddad, but until then I will think of you always.
Forever with you and I’ll love you forever
From your loving granddaughter.