New website

This is my new site and I would like you to come over there instead.

http://dealingwithinnerdemons.wordpress.com/

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Loved to the point that I see my future.

Now I was one of those odd and I agree weird children that had a general idea of where I wanted my life to go, what I wanted to do and where I wanted to live. I wanted to be a primary/elementary school teacher in America and that was it, but as we all know the best laid plans often go array.

No amount of planning can change what destiny has in store for you and what you need to be, not always what you want to be and when more options start to open up to you then you start to see that there is another option to life, that you don’t have to go down this set way and that there are other things you can do. Things that you are better at start to become clear.

For me it went from wanting to be a teacher, to looking into a job in the business and IT sector when I realised my strengths lie in that area of work. I mean when you get 113/120 in a final A level exam for IT, that is not something to turn your nose up at. So life took a different turn and because I wasn’t so focused on this one set course, I started to see other futures. I guess its all about taking the time to stop and actually look.

Doing a less demanding course allowed me a social life, although I’m not much for social things. I prefer to travel, so it gave me a chance to travel and meet new people. I ended up getting friends in America and that quickly followed by my current boyfriend.

Which leads me to the title of this post. I have come to the stage in my life where I’m a few months away from being 20 and with this course in its 2nd year, I need to start thinking about my future and in it yes I see a job in the IT sector still, but I also see a future with my boyfriend and apparently so do his parents….

Apparently his family is already talking about us getting married, about my family being their in laws and GRANDCHILDREN! Um, not for a good few years but thanks and I love the fact that they have accepted me and love me enough to know that I will take care of their eldest son and that he will take care of me.

It makes me feel loved to the point that I see my future. I do see myself marrying my boyfriend and he agrees, he can see himself marrying me. I can see myself living in his home town and having children with him, but I do want to finish my degree and have a nice job. So I do want a family, but he has shown me that having a job is good too.

It’s all about where you feel like you are safe, loved and cared for away from your family because that’s what your married family will be, they will be family and so you have to feel safe and loved or it won’t work. I hopefully will have a good relationship with my mother-in-law because to be honest I have heard some pretty scary and shitty stories that make me worry.

But I don’t feel that way at the moment. I feel loved and secure in knowing that I will be ok. So find the place where not only you can see your future, but you feel loved. Be happy in where you are or you’re going to hate it.

Future?

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Home, it’s not where you live, it’s where your heart belongs

I have LIVED in London for most of my life, except for 18 months of my life and for years now it hasn’t been my home. It has been where I live. I have to be here for school and I have to be here for now, but when it came to the place that I called home, it would be where my heart would live.

Home is where your heart is and that is why you hear that a lot. I know people that have lived in Brazil, Australia and America, but still come back to London. It is about finding that place where you feel in place and where you feel like you can call it home. It is a place where the thought of going there makes you smile and giddy and gives you that sense of home.

I do feel loved in where I live now. I live with my parents for now for school, but it’s not home. I’ve lost many people that I love while living in London and although a lot of my history is wrapped up in this city, I want a fresh start and a lot of people want that too.

To be honest and I would suggest this to anyone, go out to places that you love, that keep being on your mind and that you love to learn about. See if you love that place, she if you can see a future in this place and that it’s more than just a fascination with a holiday destination. If you find the place that you know you love, that you want to call home then do everything and anything in your power to get to it.

Don’t just think that you can’t do it because you can do anything if you set your mind to it. Don’t moan about how things aren’t changing and that your dreams aren’t being done, do something about it. Like the old saying, if you don’t like it, change it.

Finding home is something that everything should be done. Don’t settle with the feeling that you should stay around. Find where you belong because if you don’t, you’ll always have those what ifs and you’ll wonder if that place was really home to you.

Just because you live somewhere, does not make it your home. It just makes it your house or current living situation, but when you know you belong somewhere and your heart is in the right place, happy, then you know that this is your home. That is where you belong and yes, you may have family in other another town or city or country, but they should want you to be happy and  being somewhere that isn’t home won’t make you happy. Be happy and be yourself.

Follow your dreams. Find your HOME with your HEART not your HEAD.

Home is where the heart is – not your head

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Soul Mates

For years, I’m sure all of us have been told that personality means more than looks. Especially from parents when you are crying over your crush not loving you when you were a teenager, but do any of us actually listen to it?

We live in a world where a person’s image is everything and the way that they look, dress or act affect their life, but what is that person like underneath? If people go by looks alone, there is less of a chance that the personalities will match. Sure, someone can look beautiful to the rest of the world, but their personality can make them seem like they have a rotten core.

I have had personal experience in this and seeing it happen. One of my friends dates only really hot, society perfect looking guys, but they have no likeable personality. They are all either jerks or idiots because they have no brains, but focus on looks.

Now I’m not saying this happens all the time. I do know some really hot looking guys that have nice personalities, but then again they were all really religious and friends with my super religious best friend…

Anyway…the outside does not make the person, but the inside does. It is on the inside that counts and it wasn’t until I meant my current boyfriend of 9 months. He is not what people used to think I would go for, but it was his personality that drew me in. Find someone who makes you laugh because what is life without laughter?

You need to have something in common with your partner more than you like to party and you look nice. My boyfriend and I have so much in common we are practically twins when it comes to what we love and hate.

Close your eyes, don’t look at your partner, look deep inside them and see them for who they really are. Do they make you laugh just from the littlest things? Do they make you smile just by being with you? Is your mood lifted just from looking at them? Or are you just with them because of their looks?

My mother married my biological father out of obligation and duty. The marriage lasted barely a year because they had nothing in common and he changed. You need to know the person you’re with fully. Know everything about them and if you become comfortable enough to sit in bed with them, in your PJs with messy hair, no make up and glasses while watching TV and eating crisps with dip and your partner doesn’t care and still calls you beautiful like mine does, then you have love and marry them!

Love is more than just looks. It is about taking the good times with the bad. It is about being around when they go through sicknesses and feel like they can do anything. It is about being an anchor to your other half. Love is not about looks, it’s about finding your soul mate.

Yes, I do believe in soul mates:

A soulmate (or soul mate) is a person with whom one has a feeling of deep or natural affinity.This may involve similarity, love, romance, intimacy, sexuality, sexual activity, spirituality, or compatibility and trust. I know I have that with my partner and before you settle down 100% be sure you do too.

According to Plato:

  • Aristophanes states that humans originally had four arms, four legs, and a single head made of two faces. He continues that there were three genders: man, woman and the “Androgynous”. Each with two sets of genitalia with the Androgynous having both male and female genitalia. The men were children of the sun, the women were children of the earth and the Androgynous were children of the moon, which was born of the sun and earth. It is said that humans had great strength at the time and threatened to conquer the gods. The gods were then faced with the prospect of destroying the humans with lightning as they had done with the Titans but then they would lose the tributes given to the gods by humans. Zeus developed a creative solution by splitting humans in half as punishment for humanity’s pride and doubling the number of humans who would give tribute to the gods. These split humans were in utter misery to the point where they would not eat and would perish so Apollo had sewn them up and reconstituted their bodies with the navel being the only remnant harkening back to their original form. Each human would then only have one set of genitalia and would forever long for his/her other half; the other half of his/her soul. It is said that when the two find each other, there is an unspoken understanding of one another, that they feel unified and would lie with each other in unity and would know no greater joy than that.

I guess that would sometimes help me to understand why before my boyfriend there was always this emptiness and longing that even when I did date, never went away. It’s about finding the person that you can be yourself with, if you have to hide the craziness that we all have, then you’re not being you and you aren’t showing giving yourself a chance to see if the relationship you are in is a sure one.

You have to have more than love when it comes to being with your soul mate. You need to have a friendship where you can easily say that the person you are with is your best friend and that you can tell them everything, I know that I can. You need to have the passion of lovers and you need to have the lust that comes along with it as you do need to be sexually attracted to them as well as their personalities, but when the passion and lust has died down, it is the personality and how well you get a long. It is about how much romance you still have between each other and how compatible you are.

Find your soul mate. Don’t give up the search and once you have found them, yes there will be trials and tribulations that will test you guys, but if you love them enough and know in your heart that they are worth it, then know that love can overcome everything.

Trust me.

Soul Mates

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Holidays

Now, holidays is something that I have taken for years, mostly with family, which I am sure a lot of you are doing, have done or remember vividly. Personally, once I hit 17 they were over for me. I didn’t feel like going on holiday with my parents to the same old places any more than any another teenager would love to.

So I decided to travel by myself, which leads me to Australia for a month and Tennessee, America for 2 weeks. Now I admit that Tennessee was for love, my boyfriend lives there, but Australia was about travelling and seeing things outside of Europe.

Being in Adelaide for me was more than just seeing family. It was about seeing architecture that was more different to what I had seen before, such as:

Adelaide Church Adelaide is known highly as the church town of Australia and some of them were very beautifully created. They stood out against the modern world, which was good as it showed history.

It wasn’t just about seeing things, it was also about eating new things and trying new things, some of them I found nice and some I wondered why I ever went near it. Such as Crocodile. Kangaroo. Emu. Alpaca. Goat. Venison all on one stick. I can safely say that half, it not 2/3rds of the meat out there would not be possible in London. Especially crocodile, which is not that bad.

Interesting Food

Australia is one of those places I would urge a lot of people to go an experience. I would have experienced more if I hadn’t gone in the winter…not the smartest plan, but if you can handle England weather, then you can handle Australian Winter. I got to see my favourite animal, Dolphins and go on a cruise with them, something you can only do in a few places. Honestly, it was one of the best experiences in the holiday. I have always wanted to be that close to the intelligent mammals.

The best travel story I have from this trip? Go to an Old fashioned Sweet Shop called Blackebys. I think I spent over $70 in that store, it had everything and it ranged from old sweets, to modern ones and to American ones. I have never seen so many sweets. I was in heaven. My cousin and I spent over $60 each in one go. It is the best sweet shop ever.

Yum

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Toolbox Homework

ID Number Book Title Author(s) Reason for liking Price on Amazon Personal Rating
1 Beautiful Creatures by Kami Garcia, Margaret Stohl I saw the film and I loved it from there. I wanted to know the full story of these characters

£5.99

7/10
2 Twilight Stephanie Meyer Again I saw the film and finished the book quickly after that.

£5.19

7/10
3 Dead in the family Charlaine Harris It is one in a series of Sookie Stackhouse books

£5.19

6/10
4 Betrayed P.C and Kristin Cast It is one in a series of books I have been reading for ages. I love them

£5.24

8/10
5 Glass houses Rachel Caine Another series I read and it is a good book to lose your imagination in.

£4.82

8/10
6 Fire Kristin Cashore A book I was given and it was a good medieval setting  book that had a good fantasy twist

£5.59

7/10

 

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2 days

Dear Granddad,

Is that all I get now? 2 days? This whole year has come around almost and all I have left is 2 days? When did life pass me by? When did everything move on? When did everyone else move on?

You have been gone 364 days as last year was a leap year, but you didn’t get to see it. 2 days…I just can’t seem to get that out of my mind…this time last year I was telling myself, pushing myself to go and see you. You know how much I hate hospitals and I knew that you would be there, but you wouldn’t be there if you understand what I mean, but I needed to see you…I needed to say…goodbye…I guess without actually realising it.

Your hands were so cold and I remember that, but I wish I could go back and lay down on your chest to hear that tick tick ticking of your heart because of your heart operations…I never thought I’d miss the ticking of your heart or your bony fingers or your voice…I miss you talking to me.

I guess the old saying ‘you never know what you have until you lose it’ has really taken a punch at me and I miss you so god-damned much.

For you Grandad:

For all those times you stood by me
For all the truth that you made me see
For all the joy you brought to my life
For all the wrong that you made right
For every dream you made come true
For all the love I found in you
I’ll be forever thankful baby
You’re the one who held me up
Never let me fall
You’re the one who saw me through through it all

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn’t speak
You were my eyes when I couldn’t see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn’t reach
You gave me faith ‘coz you believed
I’m everything I am
Because you loved me

You gave me wings and made me fly
You touched my hand I could touch the sky
I lost my faith, you gave it back to me
You said no star was out of reach
You stood by me and I stood tall
I had your love I had it all
I’m grateful for each day you gave me
Maybe I don’t know that much
But I know this much is true
I was blessed because I was loved by you

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn’t speak
You were my eyes when I couldn’t see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn’t reach
You gave me faith ‘coz you believed
I’m everything I am
Because you loved me

You were always there for me
The tender wind that carried me
A light in the dark shining your love into my life
You’ve been my inspiration
Through the lies you were the truth
My world is a better place because of you

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn’t speak
You were my eyes when I couldn’t see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn’t reach
You gave me faith ‘coz you believed
I’m everything I am
Because you loved me

I’m everything I am
Because you loved me
You helped to mould me and helped to make me who I am, but without you…after you left me…it’s hard to know who I am really…I mean I know who I am, but you were always there to keep me sane and calm and talk to me and let me stay with you when I fought with my parents (dad) and…just…everything really…

And now…now I have two days left until your one year anniversary comes around and the memories of that day have to come to me…I don’t know if I can face Sunday…

So with two days left before the year comes full circle…it gives me time to reflect on everything that has happen this year and let me say…a lot of it was crappy, but there were areas that were good and that’s what I focus on…because if I let the crappiest and saddest moments take over me then I’d be lost in this sadness forever and I don’t want that, I want to be happy some times…

Granddad, as this year comes to an end, I want for us to all get through it relatively unhurt and for the scars of this year to heal over eventually. I want to get better and I especially want mum to get better, but then only time will tell.

I love you Granddad and I miss you.

2 days till the worst day of my life has come again, just one year later

I’ll see you eventually.

Love your granddaughter.

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50 weeks already?

I get told that I am acting like a right bitch and that’s from my own mother, but I know she says it with the utmost love because she knows that that is not me being me, that it me being sad or mad or annoyed and she knows that something if getting to me.

When she asked me what was getting to me no answer came to mind and that was a new one for me, normally I know what is up with me and normally I know what is getting to me, but today I didn’t.

My mind is rational and logical, it is built like a computer and I have to rationalise and understand why I am feeling a certain way, so that was when I decided to do a little investigating. I wanted to know why I was being this way; I wanted to know why I was upset and why I didn’t feel like myself. I couldn’t put a finger on one emotion, but I did know that I wasn’t being myself because I was lashing out at people over the smallest things.

Then I remembered the date – 10/02/2013 and that it was around this time last year that I took my grandfather to see The Muppets Movie in cinemas and it was the last film he ever saw. So after more digging and looking around, I found out that today last year, The Muppets Movie came out, which meant that tomorrow, a year ago, I took my grandfather to go and see it.

Has a year really gone that fast? In 2 weeks’ time from today, it will have been a year since my grandfather’s death. 50 weeks I have been without my grandfather and I have no idea how I have survived this far. In 2 weeks’ time, I will relive the memories of that day.

24th February 2012
I woke up and got ready for my early morning classes. After that first class, I went to my common room and sat on the desks that were connected to the wall with my friends. We were chatting about a friend’s birthday party and then my phone goes off to signal a text from my mother.

“What time do you finish school today?” The text read. My mother never asks me that unless it is important, so I worried. My heart raced and I looked concerned as I texted back.

“2:30, why?” When I didn’t immediately hear a response I called my mother and asked her what was up. She said nothing and just wanted to know what time I would be home, but that was when I said: “I promised Granddad that I would go and see him.”

I got on with my day as normal and I thought nothing of it. I IM’d my friend to say that I would hand her the book that I had that she wanted to read at the station on my way to Charing Cross hospital. I was smiling with my friends and saying that I’d see them on Monday. I said that I was going to see my friend and then my grandfather.

I went downstairs to the reception to sign out and that was when my whole world stopped. Standing there, by a statue was my mother with red rimmed eyes and my whole heart felt dead. I went over to her and when she said two words, my world was gone. “I’m sorry.” Tears came to my eyes and she hugged me to her. She told me that he passed away at half 9 in the morning, the time that my mother text me and that he went in peace. My father came over to me and hugged me too while I signed out and got into my car. My mother got into the back with me and cuddled me to her.

“I promised him, I promised him that I would go and see him.” I mumbled to myself and my mother as she hugged me.

“Here, he’d want you to have this.” She said to me as she pulled my grandfather’s pinkie ring off her hand and placed it on my right ring finger where it fit. “Don’t take it off.”

We went to get my sisters and told them before going to my granddad’s house, where his wife was.
Those two words: “I’m Sorry” from my mother will always live on in my head and that was all I needed to be told that he was gone, but all that rang on in my head was that I had promised him that I would go and see him the next day after I’d seen him on Thursday. The last thing he ever said to me (non-drugged up) was that he loved me and that I will always be his bestest girl, but the last thing that he said to me (drugged up) was hi.

50 weeks…how could it be 50 weeks already?

My brain is trying to get me to remember what happened a year ago, but my emotions can’t take it…I don’t want to remember that he’s been gone for that long.

I miss him so much and I always will.

I know it hurt you

It hurt me too,

But now that you’re gone

All I know is I miss you

 

You were there for so long,

I never thought you would leave.

I though you had another year

Waiting up your sleeve.

 

The day that you left

Was the saddest of my life.

I remember sitting at home

And crying all day and night.

 

I might be selfish

But I wish you were here.

Or if you stayed

For one more year.

 

I know you loved me

And I still love you too.

So I’m trying to be strong

Just for you.

 

I know I’m not perfect.

I know I’ll never be.

I just hope you’re up there

And that you’re proud of me.

 

You had to let go

Even though you were holding on for so long

But there’s not a day I don’t think of you,

And how you were so strong.

 

I just want to tell you

That you’re always in my heart.

Even though I still cry

I know we’re not apart.

Thinking of you, Grandpa…

 

 

We know you can no longer stay with us,

you fought long and hard to be with us.

We know you now watch over and protect us,

Although we cannot hear your voice or see your smiling face,

We know deep down in our hearts that you have not left us.

Instead everyday you surround us with the singing of the birds,

the rising of the sun and the falling of night.

So many broken hearts are left behind,

But in our deepest despair our greatest comfort lies knowing

that you are now at peace with the angels and God.

So as times passes our tears will dry,

our hearts will mend

but our love for you will never end.

 

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Dyspraxia and Me

My mother always tells me that I have dyspraxia, dyspraxia doesn’t have me, but it’s part of what makes me…well…me because without it I wouldn’t have all these quirky things.

Yes, it makes me different and yes, it makes a few things difficult like spelling words some days. It does annoy the hell out of me when I forget to spell the word ‘because’ some days and I’ll end up spending 15 minutes trying to remember because my brain will have had a wipe and have forgotten it. Other difficult things are seeing black writing on white paper, I can’t see the words that well and bashing into things that I know are there, but I think I’ll miss them and I don’t. I have more bruises than I can count sometimes.

But it has given me some things like because of it, I have had to learn to touch type and now I can type an essay faster than someone could write it without taking my eyes off of the screen. Because I have Dyspraxia, I have learnt to be more careful and to take my time with things. I can’t rush and I need to be sure.

I can’t organise my room at all, but I can organise my mind and my computer perfectly, which I have learnt to do because otherwise I’ll lose or forget something. I know that because of my dyspraxia, my grammar and spelling is terrible, but I write to work at it so that I can learn it over and over again. I know that because of my dyspraxia, I find shapes and driving difficult, so I take longer to be sure and I drive automatic when I’m older.

Fate puts challenges in front of us to show us that with a little work and perseverance, we can find a way around them. I know that because of my dyspraxia and terrible balance, I couldn’t ride a bike till I was 15, but once I worked at it and got more confident, I realised that I could do it.

Confidence issues are a big thing that I have had to deal with because I was told that I was stupid for not knowing a word or that I was slow or that I was lazy for not being able to do normal sports. It has taken me till now to gain back some of the confidence that was taken from me.

Do I classify myself as normal?
I ask you, what is normal? In my family, it seems normal to have one abnormality about you and I am normal because I am like other people. There are days when I find things so hard that I wish that my hands were normal and that my brain worked like everyone elses, but then I think, would I still be me?

My dyspraxia helps to shape my personality and it makes me, me. It doesn’t stop me from passing my first semester at University and it doesn’t stop me from getting A’s in classes that I am good at even though they include written reports. It doesn’t stop me from seeming like everyone else and even if you have a quirk or something that makes you different, doesn’t mean you should too. These quirks are what make us who we are.

These ‘symptoms’ of Dyspraxia makes me, me.

Gross motor co-ordination skills (large movements):

  • Poor balance. Difficulty in riding a bicycle, going up and down hills
  • Poor posture and fatigue. Difficulty in standing for a long time as a result of weak muscle tone. Floppy, unstable round the joints.
  • Poor integration of the two sides of the body. Difficulty with some sports involving jumping and cycling
  • Poor hand-eye co-ordination. Difficulty with team sports especially those which involve catching a ball and batting. Difficulties with driving a car
  • Tendency to fall, trip, bump into things and people

Fine motor co-ordination skills (small movements):

  • Lack of manual dexterity. Poor at two-handed tasks, causing problems with using cutlery, cleaning, cooking, ironing, craft work, playing musical instruments
  • Poor manipulative skills. Difficulty with handwriting and drawing. May have a poor pen grip, press too hard when writing and have difficulty when writing along a line

Speech and language:

  • May talk continuously and repeat themselves. Some people with dyspraxia have difficulty with organising the content and sequence of their language
  • May have unclear speech and be unable to pronounce some words
  • Speech may have uncontrolled pitch, volume and rate

Eye movements:

  • Tracking. Difficulty in following a moving object smoothly with eyes without moving head excessively. Tendency to lose the place while reading
  • Poor relocating. Cannot look quickly and effectively from one object to another (for example, looking from a TV to a magazine)

Perception (interpretation of the different senses):

  • Poor visual perception
  • Over-sensitive to light
  • Difficulty in distinguishing sounds from background noise. Tendency to be over-sensitive to noise
  • Over- or under-sensitive to touch. Can result in dislike of being touched and/or aversion to over-loose or tight clothing – tactile defensiveness
  • Over- or under-sensitive to smell and taste, temperature and pain
  • Lack of awareness of body position in space and spatial relationships. Can result in bumping into and tripping over things and people, dropping and spilling things
  • Little sense of time, speed, distance or weight. Leading to difficulties driving, cooking
  • Inadequate sense of direction. Difficulty distinguishing right from left means map reading skills are poor

Learning, thought and memory:

  • Difficulty in planning and organising thought
  • Poor memory, especially short-term memory. May forget and lose things
  • Unfocused and erratic. Can be messy and cluttered
  • Accuracy problems. Difficulty with copying sounds, writing, movements, proofreading
  • Difficulty in following instructions, especially more than one at a time
  • Difficulty with concentration. May be easily distracted
  • May do only one thing at a time properly, though may try to do many things at once
  • Slow to finish a task. May daydream and wander about aimlessly (A LOT)

Emotion and behaviour:

  • Difficulty in listening to people, especially in large groups. Can be tactless, interrupt frequently. Problems with team work
  • Difficulty in picking up non-verbal signals or in judging tone or pitch of voice in themselves and or others. Tendency to take things literally. May listen but not understand
  • Slow to adapt to new or unpredictable situations. Sometimes avoids them altogether
  • Impulsive. Tendency to be easily frustrated, wanting immediate gratification
  • Tendency to be erratic and have ‘good and bad days’
  • Tendency to opt out of things that are too difficult

Emotions as a result of difficulties experienced:

  • Tend to get stressed, depressed and anxious easily
  • May have difficulty sleeping
  • Prone to low self-esteem, emotional outbursts, phobias, fears, obsessions, compulsions and addictive behaviour

But then I am who am I am and my dyspraxia only adds to me. So let your quirk add to you, not be you.

 

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You have no idea what you are asking of me

When I got back from my doctor’s appointment where I asked for another 2 months worth of my antidepressants…my mother then decides at that moment to tell me that as soon as that load is done, I need to come down off of them. Talk about smacking you into a brick wall.

I know I said to her that I would come off of them after my birthday, but she has no idea how scared I am. I don’t know what I am going to be like once I stop taking the medication. I mean, I remember what I was like before and I hated her (yes I am talking about my old self in the third person). She was horrible and she was mean. She was an ulter bitch and she was so horrible. She would moan and bitch about every little thing and she was scared. She was self conscious and worried about how people saw her. She didn’t have the self confidence and the strength that I have now and I don’t want her back.

My mother says that the only way to see is to come off of them and if I am bad then I go back on them. I agree it is the logical thing to do, but my emotions are actually taking hold of me this time. I have a logical and rational mind that is older than my body, but when it comes to my mental state my emotions take over and I admit, I am scared.

I am actually so scared that I will not be the same off of the antidepressants that all the hard work I have done will all be for nothing. All the self-confidence and all the online writing. All the blogging and the websites designing. All the friendship making and the smile faking will all have been a waste of time as soon as she comes back.

She’s angry and she’s hurt, but I keep her away, but when she’s let free, who knows what could happen. I know it sounds like another one of my stories, but I so feel like she is this whole other part of me, just the meaner side.

 

I guess all I can do is see how strong I am with her in the mix…I’ll have to keep being strong.

 

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